Editorial
July/August, 1985
Volume 20, Number 4
Everybody wants a happy home, and yet very few homes today are truly happy. One-fourth of all families in the U.S.A. are broken by divorce. The divorce rate has risen 700 percent in this century. And many homes that are not officially broken, are like “an armed camp in a state of cold war.” Part of the problem in American families is that the church is caught up in the divorce epidemic. Many preachers perform the marriage of divorced persons with no questions asked. The church is offering a kind of “cheap grace” and going along with the permissiveness of our society, instead of calling for a re-commitment to the permanence of marriage. Even church leaders are being divorced in growing numbers.
The American family is under siege. The home is at the very center of Satan’s attack. He tries to persuade mothers that there are more important and interesting things to do than raising children. (In 1948, only 18 percent of the nation’s mothers worked outside the home; today, more than 55 percent of the mothers work full-time outside the home, and an increasing percentage of working mothers have young children). The average father in our society spends only 37 seconds per day with his son. Too many parents are turning their children over to sitters, teachers, and daycare centers as soon as (and as much as) they can. And then there is television! The obtrusion of the television set in the home has had an effect on the American family that we have not yet really evaluated. We are just beginning to experience the first generation brought up completely on television viewing.
The disruption of families not only imposes a vast economic burden on the nation, but it inflicts upon individual citizens (and especially children), more sorrow and suffering than wars and poverty and inflation combined!
One of the greatest needs in the church today, is for the proclamation of clear instructions from the Word of God concerning the home and family. It is imperative, for example, that both parties (during courtship) are committed Christians; that both husband and wife agree to function within the God-given roles; and that both mates learn that “a soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). Too often God’s rules are ignored, and as a result, many marriages are unhappy and a larger and larger percentage are ending in the divorce courts. Apart from God’s laws and principles as revealed in the Bible, there is no safe way to determine enduring and helpful answers to the problems that confront us. Read the article which follows and note some keys to establishing and maintaining a successful marriage.
Seven Keys for a Successful Marriage
By Larry Moreland
Marriages are facing tremendous pressures today. Satan is busy attempting to break up homes. Divorce is rampant. And in many homes where divorce has not occurred, there is much sorrow and unhappiness. Our only hope for strengthening the marriage relationship is to know and to apply the principles of the Word of God. Jesus Christ makes a wonderful difference in our lives. But we must know Him as our personal Saviour, and we must do things His way. The purpose of this article is to share some of the lifetransforming principles of the Bible — with the prayer that as they are put into practice, marriages will be strengthened, lives changed, and some homes reunited and rebuilt.
1. NEVER EVEN CONSIDER DIVORCE
The Word of God speaks clearly: “‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel” (NIV/Malachi 2:16). Jesus says, “Whosoever shall put away his wife and marry another, commits adultery against her; and if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12). We must accept the teachings of the Word of God rather than the false philosophies of this world. The world has the idea that if a marriage doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce. So when problems arise there is little motivation to carefully try to work them out.
God says that marriage is for a lifetime. In 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, the wife is told not to depart from her husband, but if she does depart, she is given two choices: She is to stay unmarried, or she is to be reconciled to her husband. The exception clause in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 refers to an espousal divorce and not to a marriage divorce. If a young man discovered that the girl he was about to marry had been unfaithful before the marriage ceremony was consummated (if she committed “fornication,” not “adultery”), she could be given a paper of divorcement and be returned to her father. There are many additional Scriptures, such as Luke 16:18 and Romans 7: 1-3, which make it clear that marriage is to be broken only by the death of one of the partners.
Marriage is holy. The vows are binding. We dare not accept the thinking of the world that takes marriage so lightly. It does not help marriage relationships to even consider divorce or to talk about it. It is much better to dwell on the fact that marriage is for a lifetime, and that problems which may come, can be solved if we allow Jesus Christ to control our lives.
2. BUILD REAL GENUINE INTIMACY
God says in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” Intimacy is often thought of only in terms of the physical relationship. But when God says one should cleave to his wife, He is saying that there is total intimacy of spirit, soul, and body. If there is no intimacy of the soul and spirit, then the physical relationship will not be fulfilling.
Build closeness. Sit down frequently and talk things over. Be a good listener. Communicate. Share your feelings. Let your husband or wife know that he or she is the most important person on earth to you. Many times after marriage occurs, times of intimate sharing become less and less frequent, and the early super-romantic feeling dwindle, and the first tingly love is lost. Then some married partners say they are not “in love” anymore. But the early romantic spirit of courtship must continue to grow if the marriage is to be a successful marriage.
Also, sometimes when problems set in, one or both of the married companions start to talk with someone else instead of communicating with each other, if you need to talk to someone, both of you together should talk with your pastor, a trusted Christian friend, or a Christian counselor.
But when you start sharing deep feelings with a friend at work, or with some other casual acquaintance — or when you bottle up your feelings — there is bound to be trouble. The husband and wife should share the deep feelings and innermost thoughts with each other. This is one of the reasons why God has designed that a man or woman should have a married partner.
3. KEEP ON BEING SWEETHEARTS
The great treatise on love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. God says, “Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not, vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” It is helpful to note the things that love is and that love does. Love is based on giving, on pleasing God, and on being in harmony with one another. God so loved the world that He “gave” (John 3:1B). Love is manifested through giving. Love toward another is the willingness to give to that person whatever you have that he needs, because you know that such an attitude is God’s will. And when you graciously give to a married partner, good feelings will follow, and you will discover that you are in love all over again.
Don’t ever lay aside the spirit of courtship. Some men make provision for a special date with their wife each week. That isn’t a bad idea. Give it a try. And tell your wife at least once a day that you love her — and then show it ten times a day by your kindness, courtesy, and thoughtfulness. If each husband and wife would work as hard to keep each other as they once did to attract each other in the first place, most domestic home problems would be solved.
4. FORGIVE AND FORGET CONFLICTS
The instruction of the Bible is, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking, be put away from you … and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ’s sake has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). Never be afraid to go to your marriage companion and ask forgiveness for a careless word or a wrong deed.
Some say, “But, I can’t.” Others say, “But don’t feel like it.” However, we must forgive and forget, not because we feel like it but because it is right — because God says so.
Do you know that when we trust Christ as Saviour, God the Father promises to remember our sins no more? He will never bring up those sins to us again. Can we not, with the power of Jesus Christ working within us, forgive our mate’s failures, and promise never to bring them up again? This is God’s way. If we will follow this procedure, the mind will more and more be inclined to forget. But if we don’t forgive, our bitterness and alienation will grow stronger, and a bitter spirit will develop and do much harm spiritually, mentally, and physically. We need to learn to never build walls, but to build bridges of love and understanding.
An anonymous writer says: “They say a wife and husband, bit by bit, can rear between themselves a mighty wall — so thick they cannot speak with ease through it, nor can they see across it — it stands so tall. Its nearness frightens them, but each alone is powerless to tear its bulk away; and each wishes he had known some magic thing to say. So let us build with master art, my dear, a bridge of love between your life and mine, a bridge of tenderness, and a bridge of understanding, strong and fine — till we have formed so many lovely ties, there never will be room for walls to rise.”
5. PRACTICE PRAYER AND BIBLE READING
The Psalmist says, “Thy word have I hidden in mine heart that I might not sin against thee” (Psalm 119:11). And in the New Testament, we read, “Pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). We have many problems in life because we don’t take seriously the matter of hiding God’s Word in our hearts. The more that we build Scripture into our lives the greater will be our success in strengthening the marriage relationship. Seldom is there a divorce where there is a regular family altar with daily prayer and Bible reading.
Begin each new day with the family altar. By the “family altar” we simply mean that you take the Bible, read a portion from its pages, and then as a family kneel around the altar of prayer — and in simple language ask God to rule over your home, and ask His blessing upon all who dwell there. The God-fearing families of Israel “rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the Lord” (1 Samuel 1:19). They started each new day with a family altar. Families that pray together stay together.
Read the Bible together. Study it. Memorize Scripture. Meditate on God’s Word. As we build Scripture into our lives we come to know more and more about God’s ways and will increasingly be able to live according to His will. But if we don’t concentrate on learning the Scriptures, then we open our lives to greater infiltration by the false philosophies of this evil world system.
6. LIVE ON A MATURE LEVEL
God says we should not be like children “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive. But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, who is the head, even Christ” (Ephesians 4:14-15).
The Scriptures show us how to live mature lives, instead of being childish in our way of doing things. Some are inclined to say, “I’ll do things my way.” Others say, “But everybody’s doing it this way.” The Christian, however, must look to the Word of God and not to the sinful world for advice. The Christian who is mature says, “I’ll do it God’s way because He knows best.” The world needs to see more examples of true married love. Carefully read Ephesians 5:22-25 and note how married love is intended by God to be a demonstration of the love of God for the church. The Christian home is to be a home where love reigns supreme, a home where the husband loves his wife with the sacrificial-giving-kind-of-love which Christ has shown to us. The Christian home is a home where the wife lovingly and happily submits to her husband’s leadership. The husband is not to be a tyrant who thinks that all the wheels of the home must turn to suit his pleasure. The wife must guard against nagging and scolding. When there is disharmony in the home, God says our prayer-life will be hindered (1 Peter 3:1-7).
May God help us to have the kind of home that will point people to the Lord Jesus and to the love that He has shown to us.
7. MAKE A TOTAL COMMITMENT TO CHRIST
The Bible says, “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it; except the Lord keep the city, the watchman wakes but in vain” (Psalm 127:1). A city may have a watchman or even many watchmen, and take all kinds of precautions against attack — but if the Lord is not in His rightful place (and if the Lord is not guarding and protecting that city), then everything else they might do for protection is in vain. It is the same in building a marriage. We may do many things in building a marriage, but if we are not allowing the Lord to be in control and to build our home, all is in vain.
Jesus is the cement that holds the home together. He is the Guide, the Teacher, the One who unites, and the One who plants love in the heart.
Pray alone with your husband or wife: “Lord Jesus, we want your will. We give our home to you. We ask you now to take control of our lives and of our home.” And then renew this covenant frequently. When two people are rightly related to Jesus Christ, they will be rightly related to each other. It is our choice. We can have a happy and successful marriage if we will do things God’s way. Joshua told the people of his day that they had to choose which way to go. “Choose you this day whom ye will serve … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15).