Getting along peaceably with others is a skill that can be learned. There are a few basic rules that should help us “follow the things that make for peace.”
1. Resolve to be humble in attitude
The Bible says, “All of you be submissive one to another, and be clothed with humility” (1 Peter 5:5). We must meet hostile people with an overflowing spirit of goodwill. We must become tender, teachable, childlike, and humble—determined to live peaceably with all persons—even those who have a cantankerous disposition. More than twenty times the New Testament commands us to show an outgoing kindness and generosity.
2. Pray that God will bring change
God wants us to get along with each other. He urges Christians to be “at peace” with each other (2 Corinthians 13:11). Romans 12:18 says we should “live peaceably with all men.” In Matthew 5:9 Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Romans 14:19 instructs us to “pursue the things that make for peace.” We should specifically pray, asking the Lord to help us find ways for getting along better with family members, with the boss at work, with obnoxious people, and with other persons in the church. It may seem at times as if our persistence in prayer is not making any difference, but God is able to change attitudes, and to alter behavior—and He often does it in response to our prayers.
3. Try to see the other person’s point of view
Every person is a unique individual, and some people have personalities that differ from ours. We get into trouble when we expect other people to be just like we are. Our fingerprints are not alike. Our bodily constitutions differ (some are comfortable at 75°; others at 65°). Our likes and dislikes are varied (some like foods that are bland and simple; others like them tart and spicy). And yet, in spite of these differences, God has a place for all of us. When Jesus chose the Twelve, He chose men of differing temperaments. Peter was outspoken; two were called “sons of thunder;” Andrew was a quiet man; Thomas was a doubter; Simon had even been a Zealot. And yet each had a significant part to play in God’s plan.
4. Guard carefully the use of the tongue
The tongue is in the mouth; it is in a wet place; it is easy to let it slip. And when we remember that the average person speaks more than 20,000 words a day (University of Minnesota survey), we can see how big a job it is to guard our tongues. Gossiping and slandering and exaggerating and mudslinging are all out of the question for God’s people.
5. Learn the art of communicating charitably
We are to confront the person who has wronged us. Matthew 18 says, “Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (verse 15). Instead of losing tempers, raising voices, and pounding fists—we kindly and honestly approach the offending person and try to become reconciled. During the conversation—don’t interrupt when the other person is talking; don’t allow yourself to explode emotionally; state the issues clearly and don’t beat around the bush; speak the truth, but “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15); make the other person love you—not necessarily for what you say—but for how you say it. Usually when two persons communicate with each other, they discover that the offense wasn’t as bad as they thought; sometimes it never happened at all; and at other times, the individuals have become more penitent, and everything can be corrected without any further steps.
6. Practice forbearance and forgiveness
The Scripture says, “Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any one of you has a complaint against another” (Colossians 3:13, partly from NJB). The word “forbearance” means “to put up with” or “to endure.” This implies that each of us in one way or another is likely to do something that might be trying to others. We come from differing backgrounds; we don’t always understand each other or agree with each other—about methods of training children, the time for starting church services, etc.—but we must “bear with” each other. Sometimes we would rather see something done another way, but for the sake of harmony we say nothing. Forbearance is “holding everything back.” Forgiveness, by the way of contrast, is “holding nothing against.” The word “forgive” comes from the base word “give” and it means “to give release” to another from the wrongs done to us. God forgives us completely when we come to Christ and trust Him as Savior. He wipes out the record and restores us into a right standing with the Father. Now He asks us to forgive others who wrong us. Is that asking too much?
7. Acknowledge that some conflict will not disappear
The instruction in Romans 12:18 says that we are to “live peaceably with all”—but the command is not absolute. The passage says “As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This implies that sometimes it is not possible to get along perfectly harmoniously with others. Just as it takes two people to disagree, so it takes two persons to solve a problem. If you try to reconcile differences, and the other person does not cooperate—you may have to accept the fact that (at least for now)—the tension will continue. But don’t give up. Keep on trying to get along with your critic. Never stop treating the other person kindly. Don’t let him entangle you in an argument. Remember that God may intervene—and bring psace later—even though a solution seems unlikely now. The entire church is to pursue peace. These have been practical guidelines designed to help with that task.
January/February 2005
